Planet: College

(David Attenborough narrates)

Ahh, but elsewhere, it is the first day of spring classes here in Colorado, home to one of the largest non-resident populations of students anywhere in the world. The temperatures are brutally cold, hovering at around zero Farenheit, and well-insulated students shuffle around on foot, or by car or even bicycle, to make it to their morning classes. Many will not have woken up from their hibernation yet, and will miss this morning's ritual.

In an upper-level science class, a small group of students gathers, tucked into a windowless corner far from the judgmental eyes of business majors and liberal arts students. A predominantly male group, the friendly males sit together and joyously recount tales from their individual hibernations, some of which required migrations of thousands of miles to their home caves. It is a ritual repeated year in and year out. Communicating primarily via grunts and phallic insinuations, they discuss meeting up later in the week for a fermented beverage popular with this species.

A building away, however, the tone is much different. This class is a mix of many different students, most of whom are not on familiar terms. The ones who have previously made each other's acquaintance may sit and share a few words, or just cautiously eye one another. Males of the species, many of them hungover and not yet fully awake from their month-long slumber, attempt to claim as much space as possible. Inevitably, however, the spots between them are filled. This is a full class, indeed.

As the classroom begins to fill up, an interesting phenomenon occurs: the males, suddenly aware of the presence of females, begin to evaluate the quality and number of mates in the class. At the same time, they are sizing up the threat that other males may pose. A few that may be of concern are noted for later, to be befriended or shunned, as the case may be. Some of the more alert males strike up a conversation with a potential mate. Others, however, communicate with each other in a series of grunts and groans as they begin to hear a lecture from a related subspecies, the Graduate Student. One can almost understand the males as they grumble to one another, as if to say "fuck this," or "heard that." Most just sip warm coffee from a sort of insulated traveling beverage container, hoping to fully shake off the residue of hibernation.

Across campus, an interesting subspecies of student, the Student Veteran, has a unique ability to recognize members of its own group, though they are often indistinguishable to casual observation from the outside. This group is almost exclusively male. Upon realization of the presence of another, the two or more student veterans will almost invariably sit together and beginning sharing information with their own unique and often incomprehensible dialect. The same sounds will be heard repeated by each member of the new group, beginning a curiously strong bond that will last at least through the end of the semester.

(cuts to commercial)