By popular demand, here are a few more of these. This list is by no means complete or even necessarily accurate. If you are offended, lighten up, Francis.
Social (guy): You legitimately think steampunk is cool. You are a founding member of a men's social club somehow relating to facial hair, the point of which seems to be to get as many compliments from other men as possible. You only drink obscure gin cocktails that were popular in the 1920s, and are not afraid to pay thirteen dollars apiece even though you "still make them better at home." If you are not this person, you are a well-dressed man in your mid thirties and are there with a good-looking woman who is somewhat your junior.
Social (girl): You are a good-looking woman out with a well-dressed man that is somewhat your senior. Alternatively, you are out with seven of your Tri Delt sisters spending dad's money to get shithoused on gin drinks... I don't know, I think there's lavender in it?
The Mayor: If you are here on a Friday afternoon, it's just for the free pretzels. (You can lie to yourself - but I see through your bullshit.) Otherwise, you love to be completely dumbfounded by a century of taps with beers from no fewer than seven breweries you've never heard of. You enjoy the bartender's confirmation that the beer you are about to order is, in fact, "one of his favorites," no matter which one you pick. Your turn-ons in a bar include the calming atmosphere of a walk-in cooler and hearing the same four Pink Floyd songs each time you visit.
Avogadro's: You probably need to bathe more frequently. Your free-range hellspawn have names that might have been picked by Frank Zappa, who is coincidentally your "spirit guide" (whatever the fuck that means). You may, at this very moment, be tripping balls... yes, I'll tell that chair to stop melting. You're welcome.
Crown Pub: You don't like anything outside of your comfort zone. Much like Social's facial hair enthusiast, you have no qualms spending north of ten dollars on a simple (though delicious) martini. You find solace in food, liquor, and dim lighting.
Black Bottle: You are here at least twice a week, because you are a member. Yes, a member. At a bar. Reevaluate. Aside from that, you enjoy getting lunch and an acceptable beer with a somewhat funny, vaguely vulgar or politically incorrect name for less than you can get a Big Mac meal for (this part is accurate). Upon seeing you enter, the bartender has already poured your beer and evaluated whether you're eating or just day drinking, when your last haircut was, and asked you how your (dog/kid/empty life) is.
All for now. Beer time.
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