Some things about wilderness areas

For those of you who aren't familiar with this concept (east coast, southern states, I'm looking at you), a wilderness area is a section of a National Forest that is so designated to preserve its inherent natural beauty and remoteness, insofar as to prohibit anything motorized or mechanical - including bicycles and, inexplicably, hang gliders (I swear). This essentially limits travel to foot or horseback. While I have some issue with regulations disallowing mountain bikes in the name of wilderness preservation on a cattle lease (yes, many acres of wilderness area are rangeland), that is neither here nor there. My primary complaint about these areas is, predictably, the public. Here's how not to be an asshole in a wilderness area:

Don't be fucking loud after it gets dark. Have a good time, drink your drinks, but let the rest of us enjoy our evenings without having to listen to you shout "Jim? JIM! Jim... JIM" across the night sky. Jim's either ignoring you or is feeding the local bear population with his still-warm essential organs; either way, shut your stupid face before I put rotting fish carcasses inside your tent as bear bait.

Don't be fucking loud before it gets light. There is nothing quite as infuriating as waking up miles from civilization with half a whiskey hangover and overwhelming soreness from the toes up (because you're way more out of shape than you should be, you asshole), only to listen to some bro idiotically yelling about how he's going to destroy a mountain and high-fiving his idiot friends. Get in line dipshit, no one thinks you're cool. While you're at it, fuck the fuck off, leave my state, and eat marmot shit.

Don't be fucking loud. Ever.

Fucking clean up after yourself.

Keep your dog on a fucking leash. Everybody thinks their dog is super cool and well-behaved, including me. Guess what? If your dog is in an unknown area around a variety of sights, smells, sounds, and people it hasn't seen before, your "perfectly trained" dog is not going to do what you think it will. If holding a leash is too much for you, put the remote control for the little bastard's electronic collar in your hand and do it that way, but maintain control. I love dogs, and I'm pretty good at reading them, but honestly (speaking as the owner of a 95 lb Doberman) it can be hard to tell if your retriever is running up to me barking his little blonde head off because he sees me as a threat or because he wants me to pet him. I can assure you that this places you and your dog in significantly more danger than it does me.

Be fucking friendly. Seriously, all you need is a simple "How's it going? Good, thanks, have a good walk" to not come across as an antisocial dickbag. Yes, I realize the irony of me chirping about friendliness. It doesn't have to be genuine. Just do what adults do and pretend you actually give a shit about someone other than yourself for a few seconds, then move on with your life.

Practice some fucking trail manners. This is a rant of its own and will have to wait for another evening.

Anyway, this is solid advice. Learn it, love it, live it. I'm off to North Park in the morning to fuck shit up for my last hurrah of summer. Happy National Airborne Day, you leg-ass bitches.