Since it seems as if most of your parents have failed you in this regard, I feel obligated to write this (notably because of all the goddamn fingerprints on my 'vette, which are tellingly ONLY on the passenger side). Here's how not to be a dick regarding someone else's car, truck, or motorcycle.
1. Don't touch the paint (or glass) if you can avoid it. This is what door handles are for, so put your greasy dickbeaters on those instead like God intended. There is no faster way to piss off a car guy than to get finger or palm prints all over his freshly washed sports car - especially if it's black. It's a surefire recipe for not getting invited back (unless you're a total babe, in which case I'll forgive a few transgressions... you get off with a verbal warning, this time).
2. Don't lean on, draw on, or otherwise fuck with a dirty car - every time you rub that dirt across the surface of the paint, it creates a billion little scratches. This is because some of the minerals that are in that dirt are harder than the paint itself - imagine drawing a sharp diamond across a glass window, and you'll have a very good idea of what's happening on a microscopic level. You might not notice it, but the guy or girl who spends hours at a time painstakingly detailing their most prized possession surely will. Again, the importance of this is increased tenfold if the vehicle is black or another very dark color, as these show everything.
3. No drinking or eating unless given explicit permission from the owner. And if you spill or drop something, clean it the fuck up.
4. No smoking. This is subject to waiver.
5. Clean out any trash you create.
6. Knock, brush, or otherwise clean off your dirty-ass boots. Yeah, I know my truck has all-weather floor mats, but that doesn't mean I want ten pounds of snow, mud, and gravel sloshing around in them. (Note: if you are elk hunting, this becomes less important.)
7. If not driving, the owner of the vehicle gets shotgun by default, and assumes first mate/copilot responsibilities of both navigation and DJing. This is also subject to waiver, and conditional on said owner not falling asleep on the job.
8. As a corollary to # 7, sitting in shotgun comes with navigational responsibilities in addition to DJing, unless the owner refuses to acquiesce control of the music. If you are not willing to adopt these responsibilities, or if you are going to fall asleep, sit your ass in the rear and let someone else be copilot.
9. Don't immediately demand control of the music. Ask for things, like an adult... and yeah, I'm sure that new song you heard is really fuckin' rad, but I'm sure it can wait until we reach our destination.
10. My dog is free to break all of these rules, simply because he is my dog. You are not. I don't care how good of friends we are, these rules still apply to you.
Learn it, love it, live it. Go forth and be a better person.
Sincerely,
A compulsive automotive enthusiast.
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