Bachelorism

Bachelorism: [let's just say I find Urban Dictionary's definition a little too marriage-focused and from a guy's perspective. This applies to ladies as well. Hell, in the spirit of equality, let's say that this applies to all thirty billion genders that currently exist.]

Being single is for some people is a sad state of affairs, a reason to go drink and make a fool out of yourself, something to be pitied and talked about by others - "Oh, that [guy/girl] is single at this age, there must be something really wrong with them. Observe, but keep your distance, dear." Been on both sides.

I can see that, on some level. You get into a serious relationship and you get dependent on each other for a variety of things. You see your friends get into relationships, for better or for worse - "Oh, they were never going to work together," or "Oh my god! I can't wait until they have kids!" and everything in between. (Let this not sound like I'm downplaying the true happiness that some achieve in relationships, as that is a beautiful thing. Go you.)

Bachelorism is my counterpoint to the aforementioned sort of codependency. Bachelorism is not only being single and owning it, but being good at it. Great even.

I've been actually single now for long enough to get really fucking good at it. Several years go past after a real relationship, and you either figure shit out, or you melt down, or you try again, or you do all three. That's life, you suck it the fuck up, you get over it, and then you improvise, adapt, and overcome until it's not just you pretending you're not broken anymore - your projected strength and faked qualities become your own.

Bachelorism is the comfort and realization that being without a significant other is not only not a bad thing, it's something to be treasured. Your time and space is your own. Whatever realm of independence you have, whether it's your own house or just a room in your house, you are free to do as you please. Don't want to watch something? Don't. Want to eat what you want to eat? Make it without concern for anyone else, and then smash it with reckless abandon. Drink your preferred brand of booze, or don't. Have dogs. Have cats. Have a fucking ferret/goldfish/tiger hybrid. The point is - do you. Period.

That, however, is just being single.

Bachelorism is like all of that, but excelling at it. Cook what you want to eat. Make the drinks you want to drink. And don't fucking suck at it.

If you're a phillistine like many of the single guys I know, QUIT THAT SHIT. Explore new foods and figure out what you enjoy eating, then figure out how to cook that, and fuck it up enough times that you know how not to do it - so that when that pretty girl from your class (or work, or the streets, or the crack den you frequent) you asked out actually decides that her girlish figure is worthy of your encumbrance, you can do it fucking perfectly. Drink drinks and enjoy variety, until you can make at least three good cocktails, every time, all the time. Pick your favorites. Fuck, learn what you think her favorites will be. Starting tips - learn how to make yourself a good Manhattan, and how to make a proper margarita or Cosmopolitan for her.

Final advice: get a dog. Not only is your personal space completely devoid of love, acceptance, and confirmation without a good dog, but a good dog will be the best wingman you've ever had. (Thanks, Hans.)

Alright, the advice portion of this lesson is over.

You will know you've achieved True Bachelorism when you have to clean up and reassemble the torn-apart water pump from your CBR1000RR off of a kitchen surface in order to prepare the multi-course seafood and/or game feast you're about to prepare for yourself with the assistance of an alarming amount of your favorite cocktails.

Sincerely yours,

Jack